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ok, stay where you are, be there soon
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
