Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
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