I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Randomize
