I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
You told the cop at mobil to keep it real and look both ways before crossing the street.
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
