Oral text is very safe with the right protection.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
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