I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
