Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
Randomize
