i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
