Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
