remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Randomize
