who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
