I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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