Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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