girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
