Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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