so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
