Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Randomize
