You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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