I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
foreskin is a definite game changer
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Is Oprah even human
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Randomize
