Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
she smelled like a LAN party
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize