i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
