I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
