I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
