I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
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