dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize
