Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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