One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
I dnt think she needs convincing on the threesome part, it's the threesome with your roommate situation that needs some work
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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