I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize
