for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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