My girlfriend figured out who you are.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
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