Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
