I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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