At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
