Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
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