Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
We left the knife in your bed.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize