drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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