Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
