Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
