I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
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