Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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