throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
That's not your dick yours is smaller. Nice try.
Wait why do you have a pic of someone else's dick in your phone?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
