I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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