This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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