I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
Randomize
