i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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