i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
