Come home. Power Hour by yourself is only fun for the first 10 minutes.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Randomize
