Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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