I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
Randomize
