Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
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