Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Randomize
