LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
They started shooting fireworks out of a dryer. It was my cue to leave.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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