Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I woke up naked on my futon with a blanket half way covering my ass and 20 half eaten chicken wings on my chest... At 7 pm... That kind of day drinking
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Randomize
