Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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