my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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