hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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