I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Randomize
