so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
