Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
