You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
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