The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Randomize
