I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
