Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
My one night stand ended up seeing me the next morning... For my interview. Guess who got a job.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
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