I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
