I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
