I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
